Couples Counseling
What brings couples into therapy?
  • The relationship feels dead; one or both partners are "checked out"
  • High levels of conflict; difficulty communicating; having the same fight over & over
  • Feeling disconnected from each other and alone inside the relationship
  • Not trusting each other - feeling unsafe and insecure in the relationship
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How do we keep getting stuck in these patterns?

This is a complex question, yet I believe the struggles result primarily from the following elements:
  • Unmet Emotional Needs: We all have emotional needs that did not get completely met growing up. For example: need to feel lovable, need to feel worthy, need to feel safe, need to feel ok about ourselves. This impacts who we are and how we behave in relationships. Often, we are not aware of these needs even though they usually "run the show".
  • Trust/Secure Attachment: Most of us have been significantly disappointed or hurt by important people in our lives. Thus, it becomes difficult to trust others and to know that someone will be there for us no matter what. Beneath that - we often find that we don't trust ourselves (do I listen to my own voice? do I really feel good about who I am in the world? do I value myself? am I secure inside myself?).
  • Deliberately suppressing fears, anger, hurts, within the relationship: We may do this with the intention of helping the relationship. Actually, this deadens the relationship - it kills the motivation and energy to invest in it. Also, these "hurts" and "disappointments" build up over time and we tend to become increasingly reactive with one another. Even more importantly, we are not being true to ourselves. We abandon ourselves by not showing our partner who we are - how we feel, what we think, and how we are impacted.
  • Self Protections: It is painful to acknowledge our own fears and insecurities. The truth is, these get triggered constantly in a close relationship. Our partner is like a mirror - they reflect (usually out of our awareness) things we are scared of or don't like about ourselves and may also confirm our fears about other: "I’m no good." - "She's never satisfied." - "I can't trust anyone." - "He will leave me." - "I’m a jerk."

Then mechanisms of self-protection kick in - such as shutting down, attacking, defending, and projecting onto our partner. We establish patters that confirm the unacknowledged beliefs and fears about self and other. Mostly, this process is out of awareness, so we don’t realize that we are reinforcing automatic patterns: rather than attending to our own pain and fears, we hide from ourselves and our partner.

As a result, we may retract, harden, and distance ourselves, and/or go on the offensive, become clingy or critical. The relationship feels unsafe. We feel entrenched in these patterns with no end in sight.

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How can counseling help couples reconnect and establish trust, closeness, and intimacy?

In couples therapy, the relationship is the client - we all work together to repair the relationship. It is also true that each partner brings their own vulnerabilities into the relationship. So a key component of this work is identifying your own tender spots and understanding how they impact (and are impacted by) the relationship.

As the therapist, I help build safety in the room - so each person can take risks, be honest, and experience softening. Couples can come into a safe place to reveal fears, hurts, and be themselves. The success of the therapy relies on the trusting relationship we develop together.

The main premise of my approach with couples is that each partner truly desires connection with the other. We identify the prevalent patterns of conflict and avoidance that lead to disconnect. We then carefully explore the triggers, unravel the painful interactions, and delineate the habitual outcomes. In examining these patterns, we begin to uncover the underlying needs or tender emotions that are the true source of distress. That's the place where movement is possible. When each partner can access the tender place inside and speak from there - this allows both to soften and to experience emotional bonding. We work to cultivate this in session, and over time, these periods of closeness inspire trust, expansiveness, goodwill, and confidence.

This approach is primarily based on an empirically founded model called, Emotionally Focused Therapy. To learn more about this, please visit: www.eft.ca.

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What are the outcomes of Couples Therapy?
  • De-escalate conflict by attending to the emotion underneath the behaviors
  • Recognize your own emotional needs: understand how these impact the relationship
  • Experience closeness and bonding as each partner softens in the moment
  • Learn to soothe yourself when things feel intense and overwhelming
  • Experience staying connected when it feels hard; learn how to repair and reestablish connection
  • Develop trust in yourself and trust in partner as you both feel seen and heard
  • Cultivate resilience and confidence in the relationship - experience it as a place for healing and intimacy
  • The relationship feels alive; you have energy for your partner and enjoy being with each other
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